


Let this be our little secret

by BlueberryPerson



Series: I don't think we will last [2]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: AU - Girls, AU - Modern, Alcoholic mention, Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-01
Updated: 2016-02-01
Packaged: 2018-05-17 16:47:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,380
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5878207
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlueberryPerson/pseuds/BlueberryPerson
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>“Hello, my name is Ky-”</i><br/>In the deafening silence someone had the audacity to cough. A small glare showed on Kylo’s face as he looked at the man responsible for the noise.<br/>“... Hello, my name is Ben Solo. And I’m an alcoholic.”<br/>“Hi Ben.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	Let this be our little secret

“Hello, my name is Ky-”

In the deafening silence someone had the audacity to cough. A small glare showed on Kylo’s face as he looked at the man responsible for the noise.

“... Hello, my name is Ben Solo. And I’m an alcoholic.”  
“Hi Ben.”

There it was. The common Monday noon meeting. This was his life. Without being dramatic, Kylo knew it wasn’t necessarily a bad thing. Hell he had been sober since he was twenty one, that made five… no wait… fuck counting was too complicated when you tried to talk at the same time. How old was he again? Right! Twenty nine. He had been sober for eight years. Not everyone could manage that.

_Take that Han Solo!_

Still, he considered most of himself a mess. It wasn’t necessarily a secret. Honestly, that that really knew Kylo Ren - Or Ben Solo if you prefered that - knew he could barely tell left from right half the time. Pretending he had his shit together wasn’t really his thing. It hadn’t worked very well when he had tried. It hadn’t worked very well to let loose either. So this… Well he guessed this had to be something in between. Some grey area of calm.

Luke was grey. God that man was so grey and calm. It was both disturbing and unnerving, and soothing at the same time. How he did it Kylo couldn’t say. He wanted to find out though.

It was fascinating that he could talk to these people, these almost strangers. Open up to them and share things he didn’t even share with the people some considered his friends. This really was the core of therapy. Kylo Ren, the drama queen of his generation, family disappointment, and royal fuck up. sharing things without even having to feel connected to the moment.

It was a little liberating.

These meetings had him saying more words than he did in total for the rest of the week. And at the same time he did all this thinking and processing. Hey, maybe these meetings actually did him good. At least it didn’t feel like it took forever this way. It almost felt like he had just started by the time they wrapped up and left the building.

“Ben-”  
“It’s Kylo.”   
“ _Ben_ … I’m not going to humor your choice of name today.”   
“Picked up on that.”

A frustrated noise escaped Kylo when he glanced down to his, much shorter. uncle. Why this man hadn’t given up on him years ago truly was a mystery, and a miracle. It made no sense no matter how many times Kylo twisted and turned the situation around in his fussy mind.

“Your parents are asking for you.”  
“Yeah well I asked for them in rehab, and they didn’t show. So there is that.”   
“That was different.”   
“Is it though?”   
“You know it is.”   
“No, no I don’t. It was a time… of need, _for me_ . And they wasn't there.”   
“They are your family.”   
“Not anymore, no. Haven’t been in a long time.”   
“Then who is? Do you have a family, Ben?”   
“... well I’m stuck with you.”   
“Thank you.”

To anyone passing them by they possibly sounded hostile,  possibly like they were arguing and would part ways on bad terms. But if you looked at them, you could tell they were both perfectly calm. Especially Luke. Damn that man. He was the living epitome of zen. This guy was already one foot in Nirvana. That’s how calm he was.

Kylo wasn’t as calm, for several reasons. But Luke’s general atmosphere had him relent. Compromise his usual way of doing things. He wasn’t even glaring.

Of course he could tell it wasn’t enough to make his uncle settle. He always wanted Kylo to progress further, try a little bit harder. Or come home.

No scratch that. That wasn’t home.

“Who is that ginger kid I’ve seen a couple of times?”  
“Who?”   
“That’s what I’m asking you.”   
“... Hux?”   
“Is that a real name or did he come up with it himself?”   
“Oh fuck you.”   
“I bet you get plenty of that done with the Hawk.”   
“Hux! Not hawk!”

Why was he still paying attention to this? This didn’t have anything to do with the meeting. Luke was doing it on purpose, he just knew it. Dragging it out. Baiting more words out of him. So he could lure him around a corner into an ice cream truck, kidnap him and dump him outside his parent’s house. Duct taped and everything.

It didn’t seem like a very Luke thing to do, if he was going to be honest.

It was more a Chewie thing to do.

On orders of Han.

It would’ve been an adventure to experience. Amusing to have as a memory. Not very likely to happen, unfortunately.

He could tell the thought of it clearly was affecting his facial expression, as his uncle was growing more silent and observant. Well more observant than usually, it was unnerving really. Not every nice. Almost rude. Calling Luke rude felt wrong.

They remained like so. Staring at each other for a long moment. Just exchanging emotional vibes without putting words to the actual thoughts. They didn’t need to, really. It was probably why Kylo got along better with his uncle than with his parents. A little sad to admit, perhaps. but true all the same. It felt like something very valuable and fragile. Something that was exposed.

It sent a warning through the whole of Kylo. Look away. Look away now. Leave. Now.

“He’s not family is he, Ben?”  
“... He might be.”   
“Does he want to be?”   
“I don’t know. Maybe.”   
“Do you want him to be?”

He shut down. Everything. All senses, thoughts, feelings. He shut it down to dissociate as fast as possible. Give Luke as little as he could. He had given too much already. That much was obvious.

“It was nice talking to you. See you around, Skywalker.”  
“Ben. Come on- Ben!”

With a wave over his shoulder, Kylo was already trying to shut Luke a world away instead of just half a block. He was thankful that Luke didn’t follow him, and got the hint. Allowed him to walk away. Or rather run. He would’ve been running if his legs wasn’t so long he could take mile long steps without too much effort.

Unfortunately with a lacking attention of his surroundings he never payed attention to how far he got. How many blocks he walked. Where he walked. What area did he even arrive at? Well he sure arrived in someone that knew his name. It was his name right? He thought it was. His mind was a bit too distant to tell. It was like he lived inside a jar. One of those jars with the lid screwed far too tight on it. Those you needed a knife to be able to open it at all.

A firm hand grabbed his neck, yanking him to attention. Forcing his back to stand straighter than what really was comfortable. You could tell, because he pulled a face, groaning and complaining.

“Damn it! What is wrong with you Kylo?!”

Kylo? Who the fu- When he opened his eyes and got a clear view of the, now angry. redhead in front of him it all fell in place for him. Right. He was Kylo Ren. Not Ben Solo. That was some name Luke had stuffed in an archive, refusing to admit it was from the past. Or something of the sort.

“... Do you want to move in with me?”  
“W-wait what?”   
“Do you want to move in with me. Live with me?”   
“Why- What- Why on earth would I want to live with you?”   
“Because-”   
“Kylo listen. Go home. Jerk off. Get some sleep or whatever the fuck it is you do during the day.”   
“B-”   
“Go. Home.”

A firm shove to his chest sent him, apparently in the right direction. on his way. A few stumbling steps sure. But he got the message. Hux wasn’t going to come home with him this time. And the conversation clearly was over.

_**to: X  
** **msg:**  Please? _

_**from: X  
** **msg:** What? _

_**to: X  
** **msg:** Jerking off is boring. _

_**from: X  
** **msg:**  Go home. _

_**from: X  
** **msg:** I will be there in 40. Be naked. _

**Author's Note:**

> So this is part two! Hope you all like it, please comment and let me know what you think. Or hit me up on tumblr [blueberryism](http://blueberryism.tumblr.com/).
> 
> Also to clear up a couple of things I'm trying to translate as many things from the actual saga to this as I can, with my own take on it... so to speak. So to me Luke wouldn't be a light side Jedi Master. But a Grey Jedi. Which is what Kylo now is trying to achieve. Or rather remain in. His early teen years would be the more light of the force, and then his addiction to substances is representing the dark side. And now he's using Luke to keep him rooted or something. Anyway if you have questions just ask me! I'm more than happy to explain details and ideas. Really I am eager to do so, and I have several headcanons that I plan on putting to good use. Cheers!
> 
> Title from Little Secret by Passion Pit.


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